Sometimes things are so shiny on the outside that we can miss the breaks within. That beautiful pitcher in the antique store you take home only to discover the jagged crack and peeling finish inside making it unfit for actual use. It goes on the shelf.
And that’s where I was… on the shelf, dusty, with a crack inside that was starting to peel my finish. Only I thought if I kept looking out there that the crack would somehow magically go away.
I had carefully crafted my life to look like it was supposed to look. I married a man. I had a baby. I bought a house in the right school district. Any minute now I’d be happy, right?
So in November something finally broke me open. I can’t pinpoint it exactly. Call it being in the final stages of my Saturn return, call it meeting a really great lover, call it turning thirty, call it… whatever you want. I think it was likely a culmination of events rather than one in particular. Something shifted. Something broke and some light got in and suddenly I was restless in my own skin. I didn’t want to be home. I was lost. Something needed to change.
I’m blessed with great friends. So I wasn’t home, for about a month. Oh I went there. I picked my daughter up from school everyday and we went home. When my now ex-husband came home from work, I left. I spent my time swimming with one friend and talking about how I thought I needed to get a divorce. Meals at the home of another friend with the same topic. There was a lot of crying. I just knew I was in the wrong life. I was scared. Then my husband did me a huge favor. He asked for a divorce.