I’m usually pretty good at the breaking. Whether it’s breaking open or breaking down or breaking through, I usually do okay. Sometimes it just feels broken though. It doesn’t feel like light is shining in. It doesn’t feel like an opening. Instead, it feels like a collapse. I can’t always put my finger on why it feels this way when other times I am so good with going with the flow, appreciating the breaking, and having compassion for myself.
This moment feels kind of broken to me. I know it will pass. Today was a good day and this is but one moment in thousands of moments from today. Still, it feels important to write about these moments of broken-ness.
I didn’t skate this week, or at all as of yet. I haven’t been exercising and I’ve been eating crap. I think, in this moment, I’m having a pity party. I’m also feeling the sting of wanting to curl up next to the one I love and have Her be several hundred miles away. The sting of trying to travel without a budget to do any traveling. The sting of simply trying to get the income to come in before the bills do. Normally, I take all this with a grain of salt. I have wicked good luck with money and timing. While I’ve been financially poor for some time, I always seem to squeak by with enough to my bills and have fun too. Normally I simply know it will work out. Part of me knows that, believes that, even in this moment.
So what is it exactly? And does it serve in some way to experience these broken moments? Of course it does. I am reminded of the link I have listed on this blog in the page above titled “Never Not Broken.” If you haven’t read it, do. It’s powerful. It talks about how it is in the moment of brokenness that we get to choose who we become.
I definitely need to choose. Becoming the new me; the person I want to be, the person I am deep in my core, is new. It’s so new to me that I don’t think I’ve learned any healthy habits for continuing to work toward that end. I also have put off the manifestation working I’ve been planning to do. It’s already begun in some way just from my thoughts and intention, but I know I need to sit with this and do the actual working as well. It’s time. I need to make space for this and get it on my calendar so I will commit and follow through.
Broken. What feels broken? My resolve. My faith in myself to actually change my life. My ability to stick with the things that will lead me to the new me.
Choice. What choice can I make right now? To sit in meditation. To write this post. To write a poem. To make kala (purification exercise). To write gratitude notes. To pray. To love.
What will you choose?