The waiting has soured and now feels more like stagnation. After my recent trip to San Francisco, I came home more determined than ever to move. As a result, I subconsciously started pulling up my roots here, getting ready for such a big change. My days became filled with this theme of waiting. My time is filled with waiting; waiting to move to start a new life, waiting to feel better, waiting to find a new coven, waiting to find a new church, waiting to fly on out of here. Waiting.
Now I’m looking around, still not sure when I’m leaving this place. I tell people, in complete honesty, it could be 2 years from now but it could be tomorrow. I am waiting for a sign, waiting for a reason, waiting for a door to open. Some days I feel like I’m waiting on that 2nd floor rental of a row house in downtown Baltimore, my dream location rightly priced but currently occupied. More waiting.
It’s challenging to be fully present in my life right now, knowing I am going to leave this place. It’s difficult to want to form new friendships, date, or even take on new projects. On the one hand, I might leave as early as tomorrow! On the other hand, if I’m here for 2 more years this is going to be mighty lonely by the end.
This is an exercise in practicing presence I don’t believe I was ready for. I am truly sitting in the unknown while surrounded by the familiar.
The realization of not being able to wait forever has been made as well. A freeze on life here has been the opposite of what is needed. Yes, it may help with detachments to make moving away from my friends and family easier. However, it has created a sort of emptiness in my life that isn’t sitting right with me.
I’m beginning to realize there is a lot to do before I move. A photography project of the Ozarks tops the list. Places to see around here that I haven’t seen before, despite being born and raised right here. I’m sure others will be added to the list. I’m also trying to reach out and connect with people and the groups I’ve been mostly absent from.
I’ve also decided to stop waiting on something to just fall together and begin making a 2 year plan while remaining open to watching for the sign to leave immediately. A 2 year plan will mean I’m ready and in the best possible place for moving in two years, but it doesn’t mean not leaving sooner if an opportunity arises.
Waiting has made some space for contemplation about life in general, about what -and who- I will and will not wait for. It’s time to be alive in my life again. I think I’ve been missing for the past few months even while still walking and talking. It’s time to create something worthwhile HERE while planning to go into an unknown future.
“The waiting is the hardest part
Everyday you see one more card,
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart,
The waiting is the hardest part.”