Being Born

Birth is messy.

Anyone who has ever witnessed a birth will agree.  Even in the easiest of births, like when my daughter was born, there is blood, and shit, and crying.  Being reborn, as it turns out, is no cleaner.

I have to remind myself that this is what is happening right now – rebirth. Things here are pretty messy. Old wounds have reopened for unknown reasons and I find myself grieving again.  The wounds feel fresh and I catch myself in the same thought loops I had when the wound was first inflicted.  I am grieving what has been lost even while knowing it made the pathway for where I am right now.  I am grieving lost love, lost community, lost friendships, and the chosen loss of my home in Arkansas.  Holding this I am also holding gratitude for what I have in my life, some of which came directly from the losses I suffered.

There is the pain of loneliness.  In part, it’s what I expect is the normal aspects of being in a brand new town and not having made friends yet.  Mostly, it’s feeling the deep ache to have someone to share my life with.  I know that while this is a true desire, the overwhelming nature of it is coming out of the stress I feel right now.  Work has been challenging, my schedule has been very demanding, I am struggling to keep up with my classes, I am trying to change the way I eat and the way I live… and I want someone to shoulder this with me, to listen to how my day went, to soothe me and cheer me on.  I miss having someone who cared so deeply for me that listening to my day to day struggles and triumphs was important to them.  This feeling opens the door to grief.  I am just letting these feelings have their place while I continue to work on being born.  I know deep, deep in my core that this work is mine and mine alone.

Just like with a birth, my own rebirth is also filled with anticipation of arrival, joy, hope, and love.  There is so much at work here.  I came to Florida just knowing this was the place I needed to be to get my mind right.  I am still figuring out what that even means -sobriety, clean eating, weaving together my spirituality and my day to day living, to name a few.  This is not easy work.  It is not glamorous work.  There is a lot of mess and muck in trying to create a new life.   Lately, I keep thinking what am I doing here?

I think the past couple of weeks I stopped writing my story and started losing myself in the story of my loss and my grief.  My friend’s recent posting about archetypes and storying our lives reminded me of this important aspect of my own rebirthing.  What am I doing here?  Healing.  Being born. Creating a vision and stepping into it.

Gwion Bach by T. Thorn Coyle and sharon knight

You can dream and stir a long time,
But when you get burned you will Know.

Take your wisdom, run with it,
Take your wisdom, change.
Take your wisdom, run with it,
In the end you will be born…

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