Allowed to Love

“Unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endure each other, as it is about the deep vow to never, under any condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other.” – Mark Nepo

It’s an amazing gift to be loved.  It’s even more powerful to be allowed to love someone.  For years I was resistant, unable to receive, love.  I felt it, but it went through my hands like water.  Once the immediate feeling faded, I denied it was real.  I couldn’t believe anyone could possible love me.  When I finally felt the love of someone, truly felt it in my bones through good times and bad, I thought it couldn’t get any better.  Then it dissolved and I felt terrible, but somehow the feeling remained.  I still believed in love, in her love, and in my ability to be loved.

Having been someone who was unable to truly accept love from another, I know the gift of someone accepting love into their heart and their life.  When someone allows you to love them, to see them, it’s sacred.  You are now part of this person’s journey.  It doesn’t matter if they are only in a relationship with you for a short while.  It doesn’t matter if next month they don’t want to speak to you anymore.  In the moments where they let you in, in the times when you saw the soul of your love, you’ve been given something precious and fragile.

I’ve recently been gifted something even more incredible.  When someone allows you to love the one they love.  No, I don’t mean polyamory- that’s a different post for another time.  I mean when someone sees the love you hold for their love and they are able to set aside fear and allow you to love.

Through the last year in my break up process I’ve been praised for being able to stay in relationship with my ex, for forging a deep sisterhood with the woman she left me to be with, for being able to lean in, forgive, and to allow love to transform.  None of this would have been possible had my ex’s love not allowed me to love.

My “unlikely sister” recognizes the divine spark in love.  She recognizes the power of love to transform and heal.  She allowed my friendship where other women might have been too insecure.  She allowed my love to continue to flow and a deep friendship with my ex to continue forward.  We all rose up above fear and feelings of loss and heartache and reached for love as the ultimate boundary.

I love them and they love me.  It is a deep kind of love that has nothing to do with sex or romance but everything to do with intimacy.  There is an authenticity between us, a deep knowing of each other’s heart, and a trust and willingness to walk together.  I gained the most precious chosen family in my loss of my lover.  While that loss hurt, this family is one of the most important things in my life.

Being allowed to love so freely, to express so honestly, to be so completely raw with both of them has been a huge piece of the spiritual work I’ve done in this last year.  I’m not sure I can articulate it yet, but this allowance to love has led me to finally being allowed to love myself, to love my job, to love my life.

I am nearing a year since the breakup.  There are still moments of pain.  There are still times I wonder if I could have done something differently and if that would have somehow led to the three of us happily together.  Mostly though, I do spiritual work with my unlikely sister and share my fears and dreams with her.  I send love on the air to them both daily.  I treasure my ex’s advice, soothing voice, and complete faith in me.  I celebrate the love the three of us have, the way we’ve chosen to not simply “be friends” but to be connected at a deep spiritual level, to be chosen family, to be raw and authentic.  We continue to bring “the flawed truth of who we are to each other.”

This kind of love is unconditional.

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