One Year

On the anniversary of heart break, I sit watching the sunset over the gulf, the waters quietly lapping at the rocks along the coast line. A perfect picture of my heart today – slowly, gently, moving in and out from those jagged lines where it was broken apart last year.  New eyes watching the light fade behind the blue, the golden hues stretching across the water as if to pull tight one last memory.

I no longer need the overwhelming crash of the Atlantic waves to quench this pain and bring ease to this heart.  The remaining lessons for me linger in the moment when the sun will finally kiss the water goodnight.  I don’t yet know its mysteries, only that there is richness in the quiet, lingering, way they kiss.

As I sat facing the endlessness of water, a pelican held space for me like a temple guard.  Her powers of reflection and ease giving me room to sort through the archives of my heart.  This last year I have learned to lean in deep, as the Pelican must at times to retrieve food from the water.  I have also learned to rise up into the realm of possibility. I’ve flown a thousand miles to heal, a thousand miles to begin, a thousand miles just to fly. Anything is possible.

There was a moment today when my heart was so full of love, I thought it would burst.  I could feel how we are all connected.  In that moment I knew the truth of love – it’s everywhere, limitless, and boundless.  These simple moments drift in to my consciousness more and more lately.  The willingness to let love change has changed me.  I am more open, more willing to risk, more willing to give love away.  Who knew heart break could lead to such expansion?

Her voice on the line this afternoon felt reassuring.  We are all exactly where we are supposed to be.  There is a sweetness between us, a kindness, a friendship that will always be there.  There is a piece of me that may always respond to her, after all she helped name that piece -this inner little girl who so desperately needed to feel the love and approval of a Daddy.  Our unconventional relationship now laid to rest, it remains still that in my heart, when I think of “daddy,” I think of her.

Watching the sun sink lower, I thought about my new crush and the way his music and words stir my soul.  I wonder if she will approve. I don’t need her to, but a little girl always, deep down, wants her Daddy to like the boys she brings home.

My thoughts drift back to the sunset and my future.  I don’t know when I will find the person I will share my life with, but as I look out across the water I know someday someone is going to be next to me watching sunsets.  Someone who will leave their energy, like sunlight, on my skin as we kiss goodnight, resting in each others arms until we wake and face the day, together, again.

For now – wow.

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