The great unfolding of our lives is steeped in mystery, often comes with pain, and can be the beautiful blossom of our own becoming.
She was a great unfolding of my life. The Universe worked through her to reach my heart in a way no one else had been able to. She was a catalyst in many ways, helping me to untwine myself from an unhappy life. I unraveled the tapestry of a 12 year marriage, moved out on my own for the first time, and gave up my impulse to try and control everything. I look back and now and see the Universe teaching me how to trust God by learning to trust this one person so whole heartedly. Even with all the change brought into my life through her love, the great unfolding of my life didn’t happen, not really, until she said goodbye.
Goodbye hurt like hell. Those of you have been reading this blog for any length of time are familiar with the story. You’ve witnessed the unfolding of my life. It’s taken me from despair to creating a new life, complete with a new city and new career. It hasn’t been an easy road. My decision to lean in to love, to the concept of transcendental love, changed the way I processed her leaving. I drew strength from the, sometimes painful, lessons and examples of the power of love. In our situation I found the power to endure heartache and continuing caring for each other in a new way, saw the power in love changing your life to commit to someone, felt the depth of a love born of compassion and grace when someone is willing to witness your pain, walk with you through it, while knowing their happiness is linked to your heart break. Love got me through.
It doesn’t make any difference that the moment of great loss is a big unfolding taking you exactly where you need to go. There is no way to cushion heartbreak so it won’t hurt. There is no good way to say goodbye. My lover couldn’t have made it any easier. My heart was going to break, as it did, no matter what. She was leaving. The Universe had this planned all along. Any doubts I’ve ever had about that are resolved when I look to their happiness or how far I’ve come on my own. I needed this stage of my life to be completely on my own, without the influence or even the comfort of a lover or partner. I’m stronger in this place because I know I got here by myself. This new life I am working on is my doing. Yet, I am still cradled by the love of friends and family, especially my chosen family.
I didn’t have the phrasing at the time, but when I think about this idea of a great unfolding I am reminded of an intense vision I had shortly after the break up. I was standing in the center of a crystal lotus. I intuitively knew the lotus had broken open from a solid block. The petals held fractures and were a little rough on the edges in some places. There was a bright light shining in and reflecting off of each piece of the crystal and through me, standing in the center. In the moment of this vision, I felt the warmth of that light reflecting through me and realized it was just as easy for me to be the source of this light as it was for me to be its recipient.
A great unfolding is the hand of God scooping us up and putting us on another path. These big life altering moments are rare, though our lives unfold continuously if we allow it. My life has unfolded, and will continue to unfold, into something completely new and beautiful.
“We live our lives from then until now,
By the mercy received and the marks on our brow
To my heart I’ll collect what the four winds will scatter
And frame my life into before and after.”