“You placed your hand on my smoldering ruins like some relic, a holy man or poet, Wholly sure: either you would not be burned, or it would be worth it.” -Joy Berry
I’ve spent a lot of time lately in a state of desire. This isn’t something I’m wholly comfortable with, particularly around desiring a partner. It feels weak to me to want to share my life with someone else. This is a weird internalization of messages around what it means to be a strong woman. Of course, I don’t need a partner.
Every time I try to talk about this desire I feel like I have to say “I don’t need a partner” as if to clarify and keep my feminist credibility. We’re supposed to be okay with being alone. We’re supposed to be self-sufficient and never lonely. We’re supposed to “work on ourselves.” Any talk of desiring a partner can be read as weakness, seen as codependent, viewed as falling victim to the patriarchy. At least this is the way I’ve internalized the messages. I confess, I used to get really tired of seeing women pining for a partner, all caught up in attracting a mate, rattling on about how to get the right one. Now I seem to understand.
I feel strong as ever. I am creating a beautiful life in Florida. I am working in a career I love. My daughter and I are closer than ever. Heck, even the dog is happier here. Things are good…but I can’t shake the feeling that something is missing. Part of that feeling comes from actively realizing what I desire in a partner. The more I actualize this in my mind the more I miss it in my day-to-day. I think this is a natural result of manifestation magick. Just as when one begins crafting a spell to attract the right kind of job; you imagine the type of work you want to do, flexible hours, character traits of your supervisor and coworkers. Through this work you create space in your life for this new job and part of you is always focused on longing for it, attracting it, and missing what you believe it would bring into your life.
So yeah, there are some empty spaces in my life and it can feel lonely. I’m making room for someone and I have no idea when they’re going to arrive. It’s like knowing you are going to have a house guest so you get the guest room ready, try to figure out their favorite flower for the bedside table, keep the house “company clean,” and wait. Only I’m not having a house guest. I’m attracting a life partner, a lover, someone who wants to travel this world and this life with me. Keeping my house “company clean” while I wait means continuing to work on my life, keep improving myself –for myself, and…wait. The thing is the more I work on me, the more clarity I get about my desire and the more I notice the space I’ve been making.
In that space, I’ve been daydreaming a bit about what life would look like if that emptiness was filled with a lover, a partner. These visualizations sometimes lead to realizations about qualities I want to attract to my life. The realization that having a partner who plays guitar, likes to sing, and wants to cook with me would be a good fit in my life leaves me feeling just a bit silly for being so specific. I know though that manifestation is one part clarity and one part flexibility so the Universe can bring you what you need. So yes, a partner who plays guitar, sings, and loves to cook with me would be a good fit, just not the only fit.
I struggle with all of this. The emptiness, the desiring, the discomfort around desiring, the disbelief that there is anyone out there for me… and my work continues. I do my practice. I go to work. I hang out with my daughter. I go to AA meetings. I sing. I pretend I am eventually going to get around to learning the old guitar by the bookshelf. I try to have fun cooking with me. I am working on cultivating the Beloved within. A friend tells me this is the work of attracting a partner, becoming my own Beloved so I shine out like a lighthouse calling the right person to me. I know she’s right.
From my heart this shining blue – desire me, as I desire you
“I once had a thousand desires. But in my one desire to know you all else melted away.” – Rumi