A friend shared something on Facebook today about honoring how interconnected everything is, how one small event can impact a huge blessing. It got me thinking.
I’ve been living in old wounds lately. The last 6 months have been painful. 6 months ago I let go of someone I loved because he just wasn’t in a place to return the feelings or give me anything like what I was longing for and needing. I stood in my power and was able to let it go but it hurt. My heart took a beating and a bunch of old fear resurfaced.
All the old tapes about not being enough, not being good enough, not being lovable resurfaced. So of course, my inner demons latched on to those, amplified them, and created more painful stories out of old wounds. I’ve been living there for 6 months. Feeling like I wasn’t worthy or lovable. Feeling like he didn’t want me because I was flawed, she left because I couldn’t measure up. I started thinking everything I touched just disintegrated. The voice got louder and pretty soon it was drowning out the more truthful stories about who I am.
Reading my friends post today I remembered how my life has unfolded in the last 2 years. A break up coupled with my best friend moving far away led me to my career in religious education ministry and a move of my own a thousand miles from the only place I had known. With that came a lot of hard work but also freedom, the joy of knowing my work was impactful and fulfilling, and a life and relationship with my daughter I did not have before. From heartache I spun the fabric of a new journey, an adventure in finding what made my soul resound with joy.
What has been unfolding since letting go of any hopes for something deeper with B.? I’m not sure. I feel like the past few months have just been me barely making it. My practice has suffered. My compulsive eating habits have increased and I’ve been living in the illness of that addiction. I’ve stopped writing outside of a professional capacity. I haven’t been making any art. My relationship with my daughter has felt more like a shadow of what it was when we first arrived. Things have been … dark.
Among the dark there has been some light. I founded Agape House, a living collective with 3 other adults. Though admittedly, I find myself wishing for more space lately. I will be getting more space in January when a collective member will be leaving and I may yet create that art and writing studio I longed for when I first discovered this house.
Samhain is approaching and I am considering what it is time to let go of. I want to let go of this story and move through the pain of rejection and heartache. I want to call back in my practice, my intention and presence with my daughter, writing and art, and healthier habits.
I call back in my ability to be moved by the interconnectedness and celebrate that every action leads to some unfolding, some choice or path that wasn’t there before. It swirls around us, sometimes beautiful and sometimes so sharp and bright we ache all over, but it paints a beautiful canvass when it plays out. I need to remember to pause and pray, as Anne Lammot says, “help, thanks, wow.”