Last August, in Georgia, I sat under the bright full moon and surrendered my heart to never knowing the answers to questions I never asked. Under the watch of towering pines, I gazed through a fire into the eyes of the person I loved beyond all reason and let go. I wrote a little about that experience here. What I remember from it now, this full moon, is how much ease I felt when forgiveness finally rooted in my heart, for myself and everyone else involved in the breaking that led to my becoming.
Occasionally I get caught up in wondering about the becoming of my Self. What started it? Was it the breaking of my heart? I feel, at times, it was most certainly that moment when my becoming started. But no, by then I had already become a person who could lean in, love beyond reason, forgive, and let my heart break open again and again while love transformed me. Maybe the unfolding started when I felt loved for the first time, really feeling it root in my bones and become something I was sure of the way I am sure my lungs are working – I don’t have to worry about them, or force them, I just relax and breathe and they work. I could keep going back in time trying to find the moment of my becoming but the truth is there are a thousand moments that shape who we are, who we will be.
What I do know is somewhere along the way I became someone who loved fiercely and fully. I became the sappy romantic I used to secretly roll my eyes at. I realized love is a synonym for God.
I never thought I would become someone who held love as their highest priority. Much of my life, love was just a word. I had made it to my Saturn return without a lot of fanfare for it. Then I unraveled and in doing so took down the walls around my heart, destroyed the stories about how love was for suckers, and just let myself be crazy in love. When it all fell apart, I just kept unraveling. I found love was something deeper than a relationship. Love was bigger than a particular set of expressions. Love could take something away from you and break your heart while, at the same time, giving you something precious and break you open. I wrote about this for just over a year so I will save you from rehashing the details.
Then I fell in love again – with someone who wasn’t in love with me. More heartbreak. This time the unraveling really did feel like I was being undone. I’ve spent the last few months questioning everything I had come to know about love, myself, my worth, and the goodness of life.
A boy undid me? Pathetic. This was ringing in my head for months. How could a whirlwind romance with a man who was upfront about his lack of emotional availability or interest be strong enough to undo all those powerful lessons from before? I will tell you how, childhood trauma. All the old stories of not being good enough, not being worthy, not being lovable came back full force. So I came apart for the past few months.
Sifting through the pieces of this most recent heart break and the spiritual crisis that seemed to accompany it, I saw all the shinning edges again. I saw another sign post on the journey of becoming. This beautiful man made my soul sing. There is no other way to put it. His voice, his words, his writing, his music, the thought of him, his lips, everything… my soul would just sing. It was like the song of the Universe lighting me up inside. A musician, a poet, a preacher, a friend, a lover, a spiritual being – yes, my soul was SINGING. Sometimes when I think of him, it still does.
Being undone completely, feeling 8 years of personal work slipping away, watching my spiritual practice just stop, watching my depression take over, realizing old patterns of escape were whispering to me all the time was all very terrifying. All I could see was how far away I am from realizing some other important goals.
Then there was Nahko & Medicine for the People and the medicine of this song.
Suddenly I remembered the power I felt in leaving Arkansas last year, in visualizing a new life for myself by loading everything up and just going. If I can change huge parts of my life by visualizing, and manifesting, leaving… surely I can visualize and manifest healing.
It’s beginning now… the healing. I listen to Medicine for the People and sing and dance in my car. I’m finding new ways to set my soul to singing. I’m still struggling with some darkness but mostly the light is breaking through those jagged edges again.