Teaching My Soul to Sing

Last August, in Georgia, I sat under the bright full moon and surrendered my heart to never lightknowing the answers to questions I never asked.  Under the watch of towering pines, I gazed through a fire into the eyes of the person I loved beyond all reason and let go.  I wrote a little about that experience here.  What I remember from it now, this full moon, is how much ease I felt when forgiveness finally rooted in my heart, for myself and everyone else involved in the breaking that led to my becoming.

Occasionally I get caught up in wondering about the becoming of my Self.  What started it?  Was it the breaking of my heart?  I feel, at times, it was most certainly that moment when my becoming started.  But no, by then I had already become a person who could lean in, love beyond reason, forgive, and let my heart break open again and again while love transformed me.  Maybe the unfolding started when I felt loved for the first time, really feeling it root in my bones and become something I was sure of the way I am sure my lungs are working – I don’t have to worry about them, or force them, I just relax and breathe and they work.  I could keep going back in time trying to find the moment of my becoming but the truth is there are a thousand moments that shape who we are, who we will be.

What I do know is somewhere along the way I became someone who loved fiercely and fully.  I became the sappy romantic I used to secretly roll my eyes at.  I realized love is a synonym for God.

I never thought I would become someone who held love as their highest priority.  Much of my life, love was just a word. I had made it to my Saturn return without a lot of fanfare for it.  Then I unraveled and in doing so took down the walls around my heart, destroyed the stories about how love was for suckers, and just let myself be crazy in love.  When it all fell apart, I just kept unraveling.  I found love was something deeper than a relationship.  Love was bigger than a particular set of expressions.  Love could take something away from you and break your heart while, at the same time, giving you something precious and break you open.  I wrote about this for just over a year so I will save you from rehashing the details.

Then I fell in love again – with someone who wasn’t in love with me.  More heartbreak.  This time the unraveling really did feel like I was being undone.  I’ve spent the last few months questioning everything I had come to know about love, myself, my worth, and the goodness of life.

A boy undid me?  Pathetic.  This was ringing in my head for months.  How could a whirlwind romance with a man who was upfront about his lack of emotional availability or interest be strong enough to undo all those powerful lessons from before?  I will tell you how, childhood trauma.  All the old stories of not being good enough, not being worthy, not being lovable came back full force. So I came apart for the past few months.

Sifting through the pieces of this most recent heart break and the spiritual crisis that seemed to accompany it, I saw all the shinning edges again.  I saw another sign post on the journey of becoming.  This beautiful man made my soul sing.  There is no other way to put it.  His voice, his words, his writing, his music, the thought of him, his lips, everything… my soul would just sing.  It was like the song of the Universe lighting me up inside.  A musician, a poet, a preacher, a friend, a lover, a spiritual being – yes, my soul was SINGING.  Sometimes when I think of him, it still does.

Being undone completely, feeling 8 years of personal work slipping away, watching my spiritual practice just stop, watching my depression take over, realizing old patterns of escape were whispering to me all the time was all very terrifying.  All I could see was how far away I am from realizing some other important goals.

Then there was Nahko & Medicine for the People and the medicine of this song.

Suddenly I remembered the power I felt in leaving Arkansas last year, in visualizing a new life for myself by loading everything up and just going.  If I can change huge parts of my life by visualizing, and manifesting, leaving… surely I can visualize and manifest healing.

It’s beginning now… the healing.  I listen to Medicine for the People and sing and dance in my car. I’m finding new ways to set my soul to singing.  I’m still struggling with some darkness but mostly the light is breaking through those jagged edges again.

Rituals, Connection, and Home

I recently traveled to Arkansas to visit my family over spring break.  I think I managed to lake alma waterfallhold on to good, and bring some good with me as well.  My mom and I had good space together and I just let myself behave as though the relationship we have is one that is grounded in love.  We shopped together, we were silly together, and mostly I ignored the parts that didn’t support the narrative I wanted to craft for our week.  It also helped that I scheduled my time so that I had chunks of quality time with her, but also chunks of time with other people I love and miss too.  

I think I brought a sense of acceptance for where we are and a commitment to craft something positive from our trip home no matter what might unfold there.  I am pleased to say much of the trip was positive.  Now I am back in Florida and the good I am holding on to from the trip is one of rituals, connection, and a sense of home being in Florida.

The rituals included a Passover Seder with chosen family and friends.  We drank wine, we spoke of liberation, we ate matzo, and we laughed.  The connection to the Boston Mountains and the Ozark region is still really strong with me.  I had the opportunity to experience a freak hail storm, to bless my hands, feet, and crown in a waterfall, and to put my feet (and heart) on the rocky soil of my home land.

And home…

Edward Sharpe really nailed it when he sang, “home is whenever I’m with you.”  This trip with my daughter was wonderful and often this song makes me think of her.  This time though it really made me think of the self I have created since my move.  I took her back to Arkansas with me and my experience was better for it.

I missed Florida.  I missed the explosion of green, the buzz of work in my congregation, and the simple act of sitting on my screened porch with my dog and a good cup of organic coffee from my french press.

Words Create Reality

For the last two years I worked the the mantra “lean into love”. It shaped the way I lived my life. Using this mantra as my anchor, I left a 11 year unhappy marriage, moved out on my own for the first time, had my heart broken, learned about acceptance, presence, and forgiveness, and shaped a new reality for myself that included gifting myself a chosen family which is turning out to be very healing for me.

Choosing those words helped me create a reality here love was the boundary. I was able to lean in to discomfort and change.  I leaned in to love being found in unlikely places.  I leaned in to receiving love from the Universe and let go of my attachment to a specific form I thought it should take.  Words are important – they create our reality.

With this in mind, I have decided it is time to deviate from the mantra of “leaning into love” – the work continues, of course. The mantra for now is “holding on to good.”

So much good has come through my life in the past 2+ years.  Still, I have struggled to learn how to hold it.  I too often let the blessings slip through my hands and soon forget they were ever there. I get twisted around what is truly good and what feels good for the moment, but leads to heartache and sickness later on.

What is good?  Well, I don’t know exactly. I think I am still learning about good.  The journey continues – and I’m holding on to good.

Breaking Me

brokenI started leaning into breaking in 2010. Leaning into love, into leaving, into heart ache, into letting my heart-break open from poetry, sermons, meditations, walks in the woods.  I was broken wide open.  The light flooded in and I started changing.  It took a lot of breaking to get light into those places in my heart that had been held back in the shadows for so long.

As spring 2013 approaches, my work is shifting away from the work of leaning in to the breaking and more into leaning into the vision. My vision is grace and hope. In 2010 this “Breaking Me” blog started a journey to explore what love was, what it meant to be heartbroken, what it meant to be okay with breaking and leaning in deeper.  That work continues and from time to time will surface here in my writing. The work I wish to bring more fully to this space is the work of exploring grace, cultivating the beloved within, hope, and manifesting the vision I hold for my life.

It was nearly a year ago when the shift in my work really began. Last May I dug deep into Earth work, started a new career, and moved 1000 miles from my home.  The work continues as I learn to reshape and rebuild a new life. I have felt pregnant with a newness for my life, troubled with a complicated and stressful labor of liberating myself from invisible shackles, and finally I feel I have arrived.

With intention, I’ve changed the look of this blog.  The photograph at the top was taken by me in downtown Baltimore – a place I feel is one of many homes to my heart.    I’ve been photographing signs mentioning grace for over a year.  This sign, a church sign, reads “The Grace & Hope Mission.”  Yes! I feel like this is my personal mission right now.

I am cultivating the Beloved within.  I am revitalizing my life with hope.  I am manifesting a vision for my life. I am letting love be the boundary and grace be the gift.

“I do not understand the mystery of grace — only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.”  – Anne Lamott

Sobering Moments

Aside

It can be challenging in sobriety to experience rituals you used to drink around.  These can be office parties, weddings, 5 o’clock, or the super bowl.  Luckily it wasn’t difficult for me not to drink on Sunday.  It did provide some insight to explore memories of the past few super bowls and my behavior around drinking in general.

The last few years the Super Bowl has been my big drunk of the year.  I would start drinking an hour before the game started and do so nonstop.  I realized that every football game could be like this and started wanting to watch more games with people to have more excuses to drink until I couldn’t feel anything – not in my heart, not in my mind, and not in my body.  I would just get numb.  Somehow I thought this was great.

This year I spent the Super Bowl at an AA meeting.  I got there early and stayed there late.  I couldn’t help but think throughout the meeting that here I was circling up with people around a shared experience much like I would gather around a television somewhere with pitchers of beer covering the table.  This was better.  When I drove home I wasn’t at risk to kill someone.

addictionThe last year of my drinking I had learned to lie to people, even to myself, about drinking and driving.  I was convinced if I had coffee the last 10-20 minutes of the night that I was sober and I could drive.  I would start pulling it together just enough to convince people that I wasn’t completely out of it.  Then I’d get in the car and head home.  Somehow in my mind I really thought drinking for 3+ hours was all wiped out by a couple of cups of coffee.  I’m lucky.  I never killed anyone, crashed my car, or even got a DUI. I also think my ability to avoid these consequences made it difficult for me to own my alcoholism.

I was not a daily drinker.  I could go out and have just a beer or a margarita over dinner.  I often met people for drinks and had iced tea.  I didn’t seem like an alcoholic.  It was just that occasionally I would drink and be UNABLE to stop.  I would rationalize that I so rarely drank it didn’t matter and hey, everyone deserves to cut loose right?  So my one drink would turn into 10, sometimes more.  In the end, my final drunk, I had 16 vodka Collins in less than two hours.  It’s a wonder I didn’t get alcohol poisoning.

My sponsor has cautioned me that never really hitting a bottom could put me at risk for relapse.  At the same time he acknowledges that my firm grasp on spiritual development helped me come to the program earlier than some and gives me some advantage in being able to work the program.  I don’t dismiss his caution.  There are still times I tell myself I am not alcoholic.  Then I realize people who aren’t addicts do not have to argue with themselves about whether they are.

I never had a big bottom, but I never really built a life worth losing either.  I skated by.  I stayed in a miserable marriage, I never finished a degree or started a career, and I never managed any kind of financial stability or real independence. The only thing I had to lose was my daughter and while I didn’t lose her, I also didn’t have the kind of relationship with her that I do now.  I never started a life.

I’ve had friends ask if I really won’t drink again.  I don’t know, but I sure hope not.  I’m an addict.  I spent years trading one addiction for another.  I wasted my twenties just skating by rather than pursuing my dreams.  I don’t ever want to go back to that.  So today, I choose not to drink.  Sunday I chose to go to a meeting rather than a sports bar.  For me, it was a lifesaving choice.  It was only a matter of time before one of those binge drinking nights led me to kill myself or someone else.  I am so grateful I was able to wake up and get help before something like that happened.  I thank God every day that I’m sober.  To paraphrase Anne Lamott, I believe everything I have to offer anyone depends on my sobriety.  For those who do not know, Anne Lamott’s book Traveling Mercies directly led to my decision to get help and get sober.  Thanks Anne.

Desire

“You placed your hand on my smoldering ruins like some relic, a holy man or poet,   Wholly sure: either you would not be burned, or it would be worth it.”  -Joy Berry

fire-lovers-live-wallpaper-2-2

I’ve spent a lot of time lately in a state of desire.  This isn’t something I’m wholly comfortable with, particularly around desiring a partner.  It feels weak to me to want to share my life with someone else.  This is a weird internalization of messages around what it means to be a strong woman.  Of course, I don’t need a partner.

Every time I try to talk about this desire I feel like I have to say “I don’t need a partner” as if to clarify and keep my feminist credibility. We’re supposed to be okay with being alone.  We’re supposed to be self-sufficient and never lonely.  We’re supposed to “work on ourselves.”  Any talk of desiring a partner can be read as weakness, seen as codependent, viewed as falling victim to the patriarchy.  At least this is the way I’ve internalized the messages.  I confess, I used to get really tired of seeing women pining for a partner, all caught up in attracting a mate, rattling on about how to get the right one.  Now I seem to understand.

I feel strong as ever.  I am creating a beautiful life in Florida.  I am working in a career I love.  My daughter and I are closer than ever. Heck, even the dog is happier here. Things are good…but I can’t shake the feeling that something is missing.  Part of that feeling comes from actively realizing what I desire in a partner.  The more I actualize this in my mind the more I miss it in my day-to-day.  I think this is a natural result of manifestation magick.  Just as when one begins crafting a spell to attract the right kind of job; you imagine the type of work you want to do, flexible hours, character traits of your supervisor and coworkers.  Through this work you create space in your life for this new job and part of you is always focused on longing for it, attracting it, and missing what you believe it would bring into your life.

So yeah, there are some empty spaces in my life and it can feel lonely.  I’m making room for someone and I have no idea when they’re going to arrive.  It’s like knowing you are love is the desire of every human soulgoing to have a house guest so you get the guest room ready, try to figure out their favorite flower for the bedside table, keep the house “company clean,” and wait.  Only I’m not having a house guest. I’m attracting a life partner, a lover, someone who wants to travel this world and this life with me.  Keeping my house “company clean” while I wait means continuing to work on my life, keep improving myself –for myself, and…wait.  The thing is the more I work on me, the more clarity I get about my desire and the more I notice the space I’ve been making.

In that space, I’ve been daydreaming a bit about what life would look like if that emptiness was filled with a lover, a partner.  These visualizations sometimes lead to realizations about qualities I want to attract to my life.  The realization that having a partner who plays guitar, likes to sing, and wants to cook with me would be a good fit in my life leaves me feeling just a bit silly for being so specific.  I know though that manifestation is one part clarity and one part flexibility so the Universe can bring you what you need.  So yes, a partner who plays guitar, sings, and loves to cook with me would be a good fit, just not the only fit.

I struggle with all of this.  The emptiness, the desiring, the discomfort around desiring, the disbelief that there is anyone out there for me… and my work continues.  I do my practice.  I go to work.  I hang out with my daughter. I go to AA meetings.  I sing.  I pretend I am eventually going to get around to learning the old guitar by the bookshelf.  I try to have fun cooking with me.  I am working on cultivating the Beloved within.  A friend tells me this is the work of attracting a partner, becoming my own Beloved so I shine out like a lighthouse calling the right person to me.  I know she’s right.

From my heart this shining blue – desire me, as I desire you

blue flame

“I once had a thousand desires. But in my one desire to know you all else melted away.” – Rumi

Samhain – Walking Through the Gates

Beloved love within
Let my thoughts become thy thoughts
Let my wish become thy wish
My actions, thy actions;

Let thy love become my love
Let thy love become my love

– Hazrat Inayat Khan

Every year for Samhain I do work on manifesting what I want in the coming year.  Along with this work I draw a tarot card to gain insight on what kind of energy I can expect to work with until next Samhain.  This year I drew the three of wands.

On my initial look at the card, it seems to echo the work I invoked in my ritual – to manifest the Beloved within.  I chose this work because of a recent, near overwhelming, desire to be in partnership.  I feel I am finally ready to fall crazily in love with someone.  I find myself wanting to meet the person who will walk with me through life, hand in hand.  To this end, a friend suggested that in the meanwhile I continue the deep work of cultivating the Beloved within, noting that when we work on ourselves and become our own beloved we tend to attract the partner we had been so deeply desiring –someone who sees the Beloved within us and becomes our beloved embodied in another.

To do the working of manifesting the Beloved within I decided to create a poppet of myself.  This is a big deal.  I don’t typically do crafts like this and have been blocked from these sorts of projects in the past.  I usually do spell work through collage.   This work needed something else, collage just didn’t feel right.  . It needed to be able to really take on a form that would I could charge to represent myself.  So, I gathered supplies to sew a poppet.

I took longer than I usually do setting the altar up.  I set out tea for my spiritual ancestors, cream for the Fae, a small offering of fruit for all the spirits, a skull to represent my ancestors of blood. Along with honoring ancestors I also honored where I come from: a rock carried from my favorite swimming hole in Arkansas with me to Florida sat in the center with the Star Goddess candle on it, antlers set behind it, a crystal dug up from the Arkansas mud by my aunt, and buttons given to me by my still living grandmother were scattered on the table to represent the women of my line.  I also set a stemmed glass on the table, one of two remaining from a set of 5 given by a then coven sister some years ago at Yule. This glass representing chosen family lost not through death, but through choices of diverging paths.  I also placed a yoni made from clay by another previous coven sister to represent the gate of life.Then there were the usual items of candles, athame, black mirror, singing bowl, tarot cards along with craft supplies for the poppet.

Across from the altar I placed a huge silver mirror with candles at the base to give some light. This simple act speaks volumes for me.  I’ve struggled with body image my entire life.  Yet, I chose to place a huge mirror across the altar.  I do my Samhain work wearing only the cords from my mystery school.  To see my image reflected in this way during this particular work was very powerful…and beautiful.

After casting the circle I called in the guardians, my ancestors of spirit, blood, and passion, and the Fae.  I felt called to name one ancestor of blood who has been on my mind lately though I never met her and know nothing about her – my grandfather’s grandmother.  I plan to ask him about her when I go home for Christmas.  Then I began to work on my poppet.

She’s simple and took hours for me to hand sew despite being so simple.  My first attempt was a body complete with arms and legs.  It was a flop.  I realized poppets don’t have to look exactly like the person, it’s okay to be more abstract.  While sewing, I reflected on what the notion of the “Beloved” means to me, the idea of divine love, the love of GodHerself. I occasionally wrote a few words down that seem to capture a piece of the essence I hope to cultivate: grace, faith, compassion, love, passion, and so on. When I opened the bag the yoni was stored in, an old key I’ve never seen before fell out.  I took this as a sign and the key went inside the poppet, along with rice and the words I had written down.

Throughout this process I spoke with my ancestors and Gods about my intention.  I named how easily the desire for finding a partner can turn into obsession and asked for their help to ward against that.  I also asked for information from them about how to work with cultivating the Beloved within.  4 hours of conversation, singing, dancing, meditation, and sewing.  I had no idea so much time had slipped by.  I didn’t feel tired until after charging my poppet.  Then, exhausted I drew my tarot card, opened the circle, and went to sleep.

I am still not very good at interpreting the tarot.  My above reflection that going solely by my feelings on seeing the image that it reflected the work of manifesting the Beloved within was my only insight.  Today I looked up the card and found it confirmed, especially here.

The interpretations seem clear – the journey was alone, strength, success, and virtue are present and one has learned to rely on oneself.   There is a firm foundation after a long climb and an expansion and bright future.

The work continues, as always.  One ritual does not suddenly manifest the Beloved within me.  It’s a relationship, and like all relationships they take time, effort, and appreciation.

Out of Darkness

In a meeting today I suddenly pictured myself caught in a fall (more like a climb) between two cliffs.  At the bottom was familiarity.  This is where I’ve lived most of my life; caught in some cycle of addiction, negative thinking, self-hatred, and distrust.  At the top of the cliff I see my friends who have had many years in sobriety and friends who do deep spiritual work standing happily in the sunshine.  I am somewhere in between.

There is a part of me that longs for the dark dwelling of familiarity at the bottom of the cliffs. In this place, I could do just enough to skate through life and not have to really apply myself.  If I knew the lingo of a spiritual life and what I SHOULD be doing, then I would get the praise and recognition from others I was so hungry for – hungry because my entire sense of self-worth was defined by others.  In this place if life became too difficult, I simply checked out through drinking, binge eating, sleeping all day, or watching television nonstop.  This kept life simple.  Enough effort to get by, but not enough to get up and out to the light.

With my choice to dive into 12 step and make a commitment to sobriety and living a spiritual life, I started climbing up the cliff toward the sunshine.  This place, caught in the middle, is severely uncomfortable.  Part of me longs for the ease of the dark lonely place at the bottom while I continue to make slow strides toward the surface.

As all of this played out in images in my mind I thought about the pattern I have to apply only enough effort to get the recognition and not enough to make any actual changes in my core self.  I realized this is playing out again in my resistance to getting a sponsor, to actively working the steps, and even to attend meetings regularly.  I know the lingo.  I own the books.  I’m not drinking.  Isn’t that enough?  Well, no.

I moved here with the intention of creating a spiritual, healthy, whole life.  This requires some work on my part.  It is not enough to own the books, I have to read them and work them.  It’s not enough to own a meditation cushion, I have to sit on it each morning and meet myself.  When you have built a life around avoiding yourself, these things can be downright scary.

I take a breath.  I confess all of this in front of my peers in the program.  I write.  I sit.  I take another breath and get a stronger foothold for my climb out of darkness.  One day at a time.

Allowed to Love

“Unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endure each other, as it is about the deep vow to never, under any condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other.” – Mark Nepo

It’s an amazing gift to be loved.  It’s even more powerful to be allowed to love someone.  For years I was resistant, unable to receive, love.  I felt it, but it went through my hands like water.  Once the immediate feeling faded, I denied it was real.  I couldn’t believe anyone could possible love me.  When I finally felt the love of someone, truly felt it in my bones through good times and bad, I thought it couldn’t get any better.  Then it dissolved and I felt terrible, but somehow the feeling remained.  I still believed in love, in her love, and in my ability to be loved.

Having been someone who was unable to truly accept love from another, I know the gift of someone accepting love into their heart and their life.  When someone allows you to love them, to see them, it’s sacred.  You are now part of this person’s journey.  It doesn’t matter if they are only in a relationship with you for a short while.  It doesn’t matter if next month they don’t want to speak to you anymore.  In the moments where they let you in, in the times when you saw the soul of your love, you’ve been given something precious and fragile.

I’ve recently been gifted something even more incredible.  When someone allows you to love the one they love.  No, I don’t mean polyamory- that’s a different post for another time.  I mean when someone sees the love you hold for their love and they are able to set aside fear and allow you to love.

Through the last year in my break up process I’ve been praised for being able to stay in relationship with my ex, for forging a deep sisterhood with the woman she left me to be with, for being able to lean in, forgive, and to allow love to transform.  None of this would have been possible had my ex’s love not allowed me to love.

My “unlikely sister” recognizes the divine spark in love.  She recognizes the power of love to transform and heal.  She allowed my friendship where other women might have been too insecure.  She allowed my love to continue to flow and a deep friendship with my ex to continue forward.  We all rose up above fear and feelings of loss and heartache and reached for love as the ultimate boundary.

I love them and they love me.  It is a deep kind of love that has nothing to do with sex or romance but everything to do with intimacy.  There is an authenticity between us, a deep knowing of each other’s heart, and a trust and willingness to walk together.  I gained the most precious chosen family in my loss of my lover.  While that loss hurt, this family is one of the most important things in my life.

Being allowed to love so freely, to express so honestly, to be so completely raw with both of them has been a huge piece of the spiritual work I’ve done in this last year.  I’m not sure I can articulate it yet, but this allowance to love has led me to finally being allowed to love myself, to love my job, to love my life.

I am nearing a year since the breakup.  There are still moments of pain.  There are still times I wonder if I could have done something differently and if that would have somehow led to the three of us happily together.  Mostly though, I do spiritual work with my unlikely sister and share my fears and dreams with her.  I send love on the air to them both daily.  I treasure my ex’s advice, soothing voice, and complete faith in me.  I celebrate the love the three of us have, the way we’ve chosen to not simply “be friends” but to be connected at a deep spiritual level, to be chosen family, to be raw and authentic.  We continue to bring “the flawed truth of who we are to each other.”

This kind of love is unconditional.

Fall Equinox Swim

Fall Equinox, the first Holy Day in my new home here in Florida, was marked a bit early tonight.  A woman at church/work extended an invitation to her home for dinner to “celebrate the equinox.”   The only things I knew about her was that she is the board President and a Pagan.  I accepted, knowing pushing myself to network with others is what I need right now and that it would feel good to mark the Holy Day if only by a shared meal.  The Fall Equinox ceremony, for me, has largely been about breaking bread with others.

I immediately felt a little embarrassed when I realized she intended to provide the entire meal and asked me what my dietary restrictions are.  Right now there are pretty serious.  I sent them to her and she happily came up with something quick and easy that would be a nice meal.  We had roasted chicken, salad with a light fig flavored oil dressing, and plantains.  It was delicious.

I am so grateful I went.  As the evening unfolded it became clear I was in the company of another witch and one who walked her talk.  After our meal we did some candle magick to invoke balance in whatever areas of our life we wished.  I taught her the triple soul alignment from my tradition and she shared the bits of magick on her altar, telling the story of her croning and the items her friends gave her.  Then, we went into the middle of her cul-de-sac with our little bowl of candles to sit in the very center and lit sparklers and danced around until they went out.

Just when I thought it was coming to an end, she said, “How would you like to go for a swim?  I know a place where we can skinny dip and it’s totally private.”  We went to her friend’s house, currently sitting empty and up for sale and dove naked into the big beautiful pool surrounded by trees on three sides. It was my daughter’s first time to skinny dip.  She was quite certain she didn’t want to until we got there, upon seeing  the water she changed her mind!  We swam for well over an hour, talking about life, magick, community, practice and integrity.  I feel I may have found a friend.

So, on the eve before the Fall Equinox I broke bread with a stranger, cast a spell for more balance and harmony for myself and others, and swam naked under the dark velvet night sky.